December 9, 2024 • 1hr 27min
The Only Dating Advice You'll Ever Need
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Key Takeaways
- Dating apps are not the problem - The core challenges of dating (rejection, unrequited interest, difficulty connecting) have always existed. Apps just make these challenges more visible and frequent
- Dating is a skill that can be learned and improved - We're born knowing how to love but not how to date. The key is being willing to practice and get better
- Great relationships are built, not discovered - Stop searching for a "perfect" soulmate and focus on building connection with compatible partners
- Most people fall into one of three dating tendencies: - Romanticizers: Unrealistic expectations about relationships - Maximizers: Unrealistic expectations about partners - Hesitators: Unrealistic expectations about themselves
- Success requires putting yourself in the driver's seat - Take control of your dating life through proactive choices rather than passively waiting for things to happen
Introduction
Logan Ury, behavioral scientist and Director of Relationship Science at Hinge, joins Mel Robbins to discuss modern dating challenges and science-backed solutions. Drawing from her research and experience coaching singles, Ury shares tactical advice for finding success in dating, whether you're in your 20s or 70s.
Topics Discussed
The Reality of Modern Dating (15:40)
Ury explains that while dating apps have changed how people meet, the fundamental challenges of dating remain the same. The key differences are:
- Expanded access to potential partners beyond immediate social circles
- Increased frequency of dating challenges like rejection and ghosting
- Greater choice leading to decision paralysis and unrealistic expectations
Dating App Best Practices (27:11)
To maximize success on dating apps, Ury recommends:
- Profile photos should include: - Clear headshot with no filters - Full body shot - Photo doing something you love - Photo with friends/family
- Expand your filters - Don't artificially limit your options with overly strict preferences
- Be proactive - Send thoughtful comments rather than just likes
- Show vulnerability in your responses to prompts
First Date Strategies (1:06:50)
To have better first dates, Ury suggests:
- Skip boring small talk by starting conversations "in media res" (in the middle of things)
- Ask for advice to see how the other person thinks and problem-solves
- Share "hot takes" to be memorable and spark interesting discussions
- Focus on having real experiences rather than just exchanging basic information
The Myth of "The Spark" (45:54)
Ury challenges common misconceptions about chemistry:
- Only 11% of couples felt immediate attraction/"love at first sight"
- Instant chemistry doesn't guarantee relationship viability
- Lack of initial spark doesn't mean attraction can't develop
- Some people are naturally "sparky" but it may not indicate genuine connection
Dating Tendencies (50:33)
Ury outlines three common patterns that hold people back:
- Romanticizers: - Believe in soulmates - Expect relationships to be effortless - Give up when challenges arise
- Maximizers: - Always looking for something better - Have unrealistic partner expectations - Struggle to commit
- Hesitators: - Don't feel "ready" to date - Have unrealistic self-expectations - Avoid putting themselves out there
Dating Over 50 (1:17:47)
For older daters, Ury emphasizes:
- Advantages of dating later in life: - Better self-knowledge - Less pressure around marriage/children - More openness to different types of relationships
- Key skills to develop: - Clear communication about wants/needs - Comfort with vulnerability - Ability to navigate complex life circumstances
- Consider alternative relationship models like "living apart together"
Overcoming the "Undateable" Mindset (1:21:28)
Many people feel undateable due to past experiences or circumstances. Ury recommends:
- Develop a narrative about challenging experiences that shows growth
- Remember everyone has "baggage" - focus on finding someone with compatible challenges
- Don't disqualify yourself before giving others the chance to know you
- Practice vulnerability while maintaining healthy boundaries
Taking Control of Your Dating Life (1:27:56)
Ury's final advice emphasizes personal responsibility:
- Recognize patterns in your dating history
- Take ownership of your choices and outcomes
- Make active decisions rather than letting things "happen to you"
- Focus on what's in your control rather than blaming external factors
Conclusion
The key to finding success in modern dating is taking responsibility for your own patterns and choices while developing the skills needed to build meaningful connections. Rather than blaming dating apps or the current culture, focus on what's in your control: creating an authentic profile, expanding your options, improving your communication skills, and approaching dating with intention and openness.