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Today • 1hr 38min
The One Tool to Transform Your Relationships: The Let Them Theory
The Mel Robbins Podcast
In this deeply personal episode, Mel Robbins sits down with her oldest daughter Sawyer (25) to discuss how they healed their strained relationship through working together on Mel's new book "The Let Them Theory." They explore the invisible distance that often develops in close relationships and share practical tools for creating deeper connections.
The One Tool to Transform Your Relationships: The Let Them Theory
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Key Takeaways
- The Let Them Theory has two key components:
- "Let them" - Detach from trying to control others and let them be who they are
- "Let me" - Focus on what you can control: your own thoughts, words and actions
- Invisible distance often develops in close relationships through:
- Death by a thousand small cuts and resentments building up over time
- Wishing the other person would change or be different
- Not feeling seen, heard or prioritized
- Changing relationship dynamics only requires one person to:
- Recognize and examine their own story about the other person
- Step into the other person's shoes with genuine curiosity and compassion
- Let go of trying to control outcomes and focus on their own response
- Creating closer connections happens through:
- Finding shared projects or goals to work on together
- Communicating impact of behaviors rather than staying silent
- Accepting people as they are rather than wishing they were different
Introduction
In this deeply personal episode, Mel Robbins sits down with her oldest daughter Sawyer (25) to discuss how they healed their strained relationship through working together on Mel's new book "The Let Them Theory." They explore the invisible distance that often develops in close relationships and share practical tools for creating deeper connections.
Topics Discussed
Understanding the "Invisible Distance" in Relationships (09:56)
Mel and Sawyer begin by describing their relationship prior to working together on the book project. While on the surface things appeared fine - they talked regularly and spent time together - there was an underlying tension and distance between them.
- Sawyer's perspective: Felt unseen and deprioritized due to Mel's work schedule and attention given to her sister
- Built up resentment from feeling like she was always "Mel's daughter" or "Kendall's sister" rather than her own person
- Created emotional walls and distance as a protective mechanism
- Death by a thousand cuts through small moments of feeling unimportant accumulating over time
The Impact of Family Dynamics and Stories (19:24)
They explore how family dynamics and the stories we tell ourselves about relationships can create and reinforce distance over time.
- Mel acknowledges being consumed with work and financial pressure during Sawyer's childhood
- Different personality types between siblings influenced attention and connection
- Stories we tell ourselves become self-fulfilling prophecies in relationships
- "I already had decided in my mind that this is the story I'm going to tell myself, which is my mom doesn't care about me" - Sawyer
The Let Them Theory Origins (35:44)
The conversation shifts to how they began working together on the Let Them Theory book project and how it transformed their relationship.
- Initial research project turned into full collaboration on book
- Sawyer's analysis revealed need for second component beyond just "letting go"
- Different working styles created new opportunities for understanding each other
- "The Let Them Theory and saying let them and then saying let me as a way to diffuse tension and frustration and stress in your relationships - it doesn't make anything easy, it makes it happen." - Mel
Two Key Components of the Theory (51:54)
They break down the two essential parts of the Let Them Theory and how they work together to improve relationships.
- "Let Them"
- Creates space by letting go of controlling others
- Allows acceptance of people as they are
- Reduces tension and resentment
- "Let Me"
- Focuses on what you can control
- Prompts healthy communication
- Takes responsibility for your responses
Practical Application in Relationships (1:24:04)
Mel and Sawyer share specific examples of how they used the theory while working together on the book.
- Different working styles required constant practice of "letting them"
- Communicating impact rather than staying silent when frustrated
- Finding balance between accepting differences and expressing needs
- "I would say to you, I am trying to let you have your process...and at the same time, I need you to let me create these briefs" - Sawyer
Creating Change in Relationships (1:31:28)
They discuss how one person can shift relationship dynamics through changing their own behavior and responses.
- Recognize your story about the other person
- Step into their shoes with genuine curiosity
- Focus on what you want rather than what's wrong
- Take responsibility for your part in dynamics
The Power of Shared Projects (1:38:39)
Research shows that working together on shared goals or projects can help heal relationship rifts.
- Creates common purpose and shared experience
- Builds mutual reliance and collaboration
- Shifts focus from relationship problems to shared goals
- Provides opportunities to see new sides of each other
Conclusion
Through their experience writing the Let Them Theory book together, Mel and Sawyer discovered that improving relationships doesn't require both people to change - it starts with one person choosing to show up differently. By using the dual approach of "let them" (creating space for acceptance) and "let me" (taking responsibility for your own responses), anyone can begin closing the invisible distance in their important relationships.
The episode demonstrates how letting go of trying to control others while focusing on your own responses creates room for authentic connection. When combined with finding shared projects or goals to work toward together, these tools can transform even the most strained relationships over time.