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December 2, 2024 • 1hr 22min
5 Signs Of An Incompatible Relationship & 3 Signs You’ve Found “The One”
The Mel Robbins Podcast
In this episode, Mel Robbins tackles one of the most challenging questions in relationships: "Am I with the right person?" She explores common mistakes people make that either keep them with the wrong person or cause them to end things with the right person. The episode provides practical tools and frameworks, including the ABC Loop method, for assessing relationships and making decisions about their future.
5 Signs Of An Incompatible Relationship & 3 Signs You’ve Found “The One”
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Key Takeaways
- The question "Am I with the right person?" is one that every human grapples with at some point in their relationships
- Three major relationship mistakes people make:
- Chasing potential instead of accepting reality
- Ignoring misaligned values and hoping they'll change
- Dumping someone with 80% of what matters for 20% that doesn't
- 69% of relationship issues are unresolvable according to Gottman research - the key is learning to work through them together
- People only change when they feel like it - pressure creates resistance while acceptance creates space for natural change
- The ABC Loop method for addressing relationship issues:
- A - Apologize and ask open questions
- B - Back off and observe behavior
- C - Compliment progress and model desired changes
- If you can't stop complaining about your partner, you're either not with the right person or need to accept them as they are
Introduction
In this episode, Mel Robbins tackles one of the most challenging questions in relationships: "Am I with the right person?" She explores common mistakes people make that either keep them with the wrong person or cause them to end things with the right person. The episode provides practical tools and frameworks, including the ABC Loop method, for assessing relationships and making decisions about their future.
Topics Discussed
Signs You're With the Right Person (00:00)
Mel discusses key indicators of a healthy relationship and compatibility:
- You can be yourself around your partner
- They bring out the best in you
- You feel safe, supported and respected
- You're a priority in their life
- They lean in when issues arise and want to work through them together
Understanding Compatibility (14:31)
Mel breaks down what true compatibility means beyond initial attraction:
- Three components of compatibility:
- Mutual attraction
- Desire to make it work
- Wanting the same things
- Being with someone "great" doesn't mean they're great for you
- If something feels "off," it usually is
- "If more than half the time you're frustrated or bickering, this is not the right relationship for you, period."
The Three Major Relationship Mistakes (16:31)
Mel outlines three critical errors people make in relationships:
- Mistake #1: Chasing Potential
- Living in fantasy rather than reality
- Trying to change someone instead of accepting who they are
- Ignoring present behavior for future possibilities
- Mistake #2: Ignoring Misaligned Values
- Hoping partner will change core beliefs
- Compromising own dreams for relationship
- Leading to eventual resentment
- Mistake #3: The 80/20 Rule
- Leaving someone with 80% of important qualities
- Chasing 20% of superficial qualities
- Mistaking comfort for boredom
The ABC Loop Method (44:35)
Mel introduces a practical framework for addressing relationship issues:
- A - Apologize and Ask
- Apologize for past pressure
- Ask open-ended questions
- Create space for honest dialogue
- B - Back Off and Observe
- Stop pressuring for change
- Watch their natural behavior
- Give space for personal choice
- C - Compliment and Model
- Celebrate small positive changes
- Model desired behaviors
- Create positive reinforcement
Dealing with Core Value Differences (1:00:38)
Mel addresses how to handle fundamental differences like wanting/not wanting children:
- Use the ABC Loop to:
- Get clarity on partner's true position
- Create space for honest discussion
- Determine if compromise is possible
- Don't waste years hoping for change on core values
- Be willing to make hard decisions about compatibility
Making the Decision to Stay or Go (1:12:41)
Mel provides guidance on making difficult relationship decisions:
- Signs it's time to end things:
- Unable to stop complaining about partner
- No change after using ABC Loop for 3 months
- Core values remain misaligned
- Remember:
- Right decisions often feel wrong initially
- Fear of being alone shouldn't drive choices
- You deserve the relationship you want
Conclusion
The episode emphasizes that questioning your relationship is normal and healthy. The key is using tools like the ABC Loop to determine whether issues are workable or deal-breakers. Mel stresses that while ending relationships is painful, staying in the wrong one out of fear is more damaging long-term. The goal is finding someone who aligns with your values, makes you a priority, and is willing to grow together through life's challenges.
The most important takeaway is that you deserve a relationship that brings out your best self and supports your growth. Whether that means working through issues with your current partner or finding the courage to move on, the tools and frameworks provided can help guide these difficult decisions.