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December 5, 2024 • 1hr 25min
To Anyone Going Through a Breakup: How to Heal a Broken Heart & Move On
The Mel Robbins Podcast
In this deeply personal episode, Mel Robbins and her daughter Sawyer discuss navigating heartbreak and breakups, sharing their first-hand experience with Sawyer's recent major breakup. They provide research-backed strategies and emotional support for processing relationship endings in a healthy way.
To Anyone Going Through a Breakup: How to Heal a Broken Heart & Move On
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Key Takeaways
- The 30-Day No Contact Rule is essential after a breakup - no calls, texts, photos, or social media contact to allow proper processing
- Processing a breakup is neurological, physiological and chemical - you must unlearn patterns and untangle your nervous system from the other person
- Research shows it takes about 11 weeks (3 months) for 71% of people to start feeling better after a breakup
- The fantasy of reconciliation keeps people stuck - you must accept the reality that the relationship is over to truly move forward
- Six key tools for processing breakups:
- Remove all triggers and reminders from your environment
- Give your bedroom a makeover
- Proactively reach out to your support system
- Fill your calendar with events and activities
- Take on a new challenge or goal
- Ask yourself how you'd spend time if you knew your perfect match was coming soon
Introduction
In this deeply personal episode, Mel Robbins and her daughter Sawyer discuss navigating heartbreak and breakups, sharing their first-hand experience with Sawyer's recent major breakup. They provide research-backed strategies and emotional support for processing relationship endings in a healthy way.
Topics Discussed
Understanding What a Breakup Really Is (0:00)
Mel explains that a breakup is fundamentally about processing grief and unlearning patterns:
- It's a neurological, physiological and chemical process of untangling your nervous system from another person
- Your body and brain are literally wired to do life with this person - you must learn new patterns
- The sadness and yearning are normal responses as you process this massive life change
- "When you go through heartbreak, it's the exact same thing as when someone dies. Because one day they're in your life, and the next day they're not." - Sawyer
The 30-Day No Contact Rule (27:00)
Their therapist Anne recommends absolutely no contact for 30 days after a breakup:
- No calls, texts, photos, social media - any contact reactivates old neural patterns
- Their voice is especially triggering - avoid voice memos or videos
- Contact during this period sets back processing and prolongs the grief
- "I had 25 impulses every single day to reach out to him...but I was determined not to repeat past patterns of going back" - Sawyer
Processing Timeline and Research (42:00)
Research provides helpful benchmarks for the healing process:
- The first 30 days are for initial processing and nervous system reset
- Three months is typically how long the intense grief phase lasts
- By 11 weeks, 71% of people start feeling notably better
- Everyone's timeline is different but having these markers helps set expectations
The Fantasy vs Reality (49:00)
A key barrier to healing is holding onto fantasies about reconciliation:
- Many people accept the breakup but can't let go of future fantasies
- Imagining running into them years later or ending up together keeps you stuck
- The sadness becomes an "anchor" keeping you connected to them
- "What I wasn't willing to accept is that later on he wouldn't come back in my life...that fantasy kept me anchored in depression" - Sawyer
Six Tools for Processing Breakups (59:00)
Practical strategies to support healing:
- Remove triggers from your environment
- Pack away photos, gifts, clothing
- Pause shared playlists
- Have someone else help if needed
- Give your bedroom a makeover
- Paint walls, rearrange furniture
- Buy new bedding
- Create a fresh space
- Reach out proactively
- Tell friends/family what you need
- Ask for check-ins and invites
- Don't isolate yourself
- Fill your calendar
- Look for local events
- Plan activities with friends
- Give yourself things to look forward to
- Take on a challenge
- Train for an event
- Learn something new
- Do things you didn't have time for before
- Reframe your perspective
- Ask how you'd spend time if you knew your perfect match was coming soon
- Focus on growth and self-discovery
Supporting Someone Through a Breakup (1:14:00)
Advice for friends and family:
- Don't try to fix it or rush them to feel better
- Give space for grief while staying present
- Show up in person rather than just texting
- Help with practical things like meals or errands
- "Let me be sad. Stop trying to solve everything. Let me grieve." - Sawyer
Dating After a Breakup (1:25:00)
Important considerations about moving forward:
- Don't date to get over someone - it rarely works
- Process fully first before trying to date
- Focus on the 80% that matters (kindness, compatibility, goals) vs the 20% (chemistry)
- Only 11% of relationships begin with an instant spark
- "Love is two things - consideration and admiration. That grows over time." - Mel Robbins
Conclusion
The episode provides a comprehensive framework for processing breakups in a healthy way, emphasizing the importance of understanding the neurological and emotional components while providing practical tools for moving forward. Key messages include giving yourself time to properly grieve, avoiding contact to allow proper processing, and focusing on building a new life rather than holding onto fantasies about reconciliation. The conversation between Mel and Sawyer offers both professional guidance and personal insight into navigating one of life's most challenging experiences.