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December 16, 2024 • 1hr 33min
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Dr. Stuart Ablon is an award-winning psychologist with over 30 years of experience and is the founder and director of Think:Kids at Mass General Hospital. His approach to dealing with challenging behavior, whether in children or adults, is based on extensive research showing that behavior issues stem from lacking skills rather than lacking motivation.
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
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Key Takeaways
- The fundamental philosophy: "Kids do well if they can" (and adults do well if they can) - challenging behavior comes from missing skills, not lack of motivation
- There are 5 key skill areas that when missing lead to challenging behavior:
- Language and communication skills
- Attention and working memory skills
- Emotion and self-regulation skills
- Cognitive flexibility
- Social thinking skills
- The 3 approaches to handling any challenging situation:
- Plan A: Imposing your will (doesn't work long-term)
- Plan B: Collaborative problem solving
- Plan C: Strategically choosing to drop it for now
- True empathy requires four specific actions:
- Asking questions
- Making educated guesses
- Reflective listening
- Providing reassurance
Introduction
Dr. Stuart Ablon is an award-winning psychologist with over 30 years of experience and is the founder and director of Think:Kids at Mass General Hospital. His approach to dealing with challenging behavior, whether in children or adults, is based on extensive research showing that behavior issues stem from lacking skills rather than lacking motivation.
Topics Discussed
The Foundation: "People Do Well If They Can" (10:51)
Dr. Ablon introduces his core philosophy that challenging behavior comes from missing skills, not lack of motivation. This represents a fundamental shift from the common belief that "kids do well if they want to."
- Key insight: No one chooses to do poorly - if someone could do better, they would
- Traditional approach of using rewards and consequences assumes lack of motivation
- Research shows people struggling with behavior lack skills, not will
The Five Critical Skill Areas (24:04)
Dr. Ablon outlines the five key neurocognitive skill areas that, when underdeveloped, lead to challenging behavior:
- Language and communication skills:
- Ability to identify and express what's bothering you
- Engage in back-and-forth problem solving
- Attention and working memory:
- Focus on non-preferred tasks
- Hold multiple pieces of information while problem solving
- Emotion and self-regulation:
- Impulse control
- Managing emotional responses
- Cognitive flexibility:
- Ability to handle change and uncertainty
- Moving beyond black-and-white thinking
- Social thinking skills:
- Reading social cues
- Understanding how behavior impacts others
- Empathy and perspective taking
The Three Plans for Handling Problems (53:05)
Dr. Ablon presents three distinct approaches for handling any challenging situation:
- Plan A: Imposing your will
- Using power, control, rewards, or consequences
- May get immediate compliance but doesn't build skills
- Can damage relationships and decrease internal motivation
- Plan B: Collaborative problem solving
- Based on understanding both perspectives
- Builds skills through practice
- Strengthens relationships
- Plan C: Strategic dropping of expectations
- Temporary pause, not giving up
- Allows focus on higher priorities
- Reduces tension and conflict
The Four Components of True Empathy (1:05:22)
Dr. Ablon breaks down the specific actions required for genuine empathy:
- Information gathering tools:
- Asking clarifying questions
- Making educated guesses
- Regulating tools:
- Reflective listening in your own words
- Providing reassurance
Modern Challenges and Young Adults (1:22:29)
Discussion of current challenges facing young adults and their parents:
- Post-pandemic impact:
- Developmental gaps in social and emotional skills
- Delayed "launching" into independence
- Economic realities:
- Rising housing costs
- Need for parental financial support
- Complexity of maintaining boundaries
Breaking Generational Patterns (1:29:17)
Discussion of how to break negative generational patterns:
- Key principles:
- Understanding parents did their best with skills they had
- Forgiving while acknowledging impact
- Focusing on building better skills for next generation
Conclusion
Dr. Ablon's approach offers a transformative way to handle challenging behavior by focusing on skill development rather than motivation. By understanding that people do well if they can, using collaborative problem-solving approaches, and practicing true empathy, we can help others develop the skills they need while strengthening relationships. This framework applies across all relationships and age groups, offering hope and practical tools for creating positive change.