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February 10, 2025 • 1hr 17min
Why Making Friends as an Adult Feels Impossible & What to Do About It
The Mel Robbins Podcast
In this episode, Mel Robbins addresses why making friends as an adult feels impossible and provides actionable strategies for creating meaningful friendships at any age. She shares her personal journey of learning the "rules" of adult friendship after being what she describes as a "walking red flag" in her 20s-40s due to not understanding how friendship changes in adulthood.
Why Making Friends as an Adult Feels Impossible & What to Do About It
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Key Takeaways
- The "Great Scattering" happens in your 20s when the conditions that made friendship easy in childhood suddenly disappear
- Three essential pillars for adult friendship:
- Proximity - Physical closeness and frequency of interaction
- Timing - Being in similar life stages/chapters
- Energy - Natural connection and compatibility
- Research shows it takes specific amounts of time to build different levels of friendship:
- 50 hours for casual friendship
- 90 hours to consider someone a friend
- 200 hours for close friendship
- Adult friendship requires a flexible approach - let people come and go naturally without taking it personally
- You must "go first" in creating adult friendships rather than expecting them to happen naturally
Introduction
In this episode, Mel Robbins addresses why making friends as an adult feels impossible and provides actionable strategies for creating meaningful friendships at any age. She shares her personal journey of learning the "rules" of adult friendship after being what she describes as a "walking red flag" in her 20s-40s due to not understanding how friendship changes in adulthood.
Topics Discussed
The Great Scattering & Childhood vs Adult Friendship (11:54)
Mel introduces the concept of the "Great Scattering" - the dramatic shift that occurs in friendship dynamics when people enter their 20s. She explains how childhood friendship conditions were structured and facilitated:
- Childhood friendship conditions:
- Constant proximity to peers (school, sports, activities)
- Shared schedules and milestones
- Group activities and natural inclusion
- "Your childhood trained you just like it trained me to expect friendship to be easy," explains Mel
- The shift in adulthood:
- People scatter geographically
- Different life paths and timelines emerge
- Structured conditions for friendship disappear
The Three Pillars of Adult Friendship (17:55)
Mel breaks down the three essential pillars that must be present for adult friendships to form and thrive:
- Proximity:
- Physical closeness and frequency of interaction
- MIT research shows this is the single biggest factor in friendship formation
- Explains why workplace friendships can be challenging despite spending lots of time together
- Timing:
- Being in similar life stages or chapters
- Shared experiences and circumstances
- Why friends with different lifestyles may naturally drift apart
- Energy:
- Natural connection and compatibility
- Shared interests and values
- Cannot be forced or manufactured
The Research Behind Friendship Formation (19:56)
Mel shares important research from the University of Kansas about the time investment required for different levels of friendship:
- Time requirements:
- 50 hours for casual friendship
- 90 hours to consider someone a friend
- 200 hours for close friendship
- Why adult friendship feels impossible:
- Limited time availability due to work and other commitments
- Fewer natural opportunities for repeated interactions
- Need for intentional effort to create connection opportunities
Taking a Flexible Approach (36:05)
Mel introduces the concept of taking a flexible approach to adult friendship:
- Key principles:
- Let people come and go naturally
- Don't take changes personally
- Avoid gripping or clinging to relationships
- "Friendships don't actually end, they just come in and out of your life," explains Mel
- The rubber band analogy:
- Friendships stretch and contract like rubber bands
- Changes in pillars create natural tension
- Flexibility prevents breaking the connection
Practical Strategies for Creating Adult Friendships (1:02:43)
Mel provides actionable steps for creating new friendships as an adult:
- "Go First" approach:
- Introduce yourself to people
- Start conversations
- Take initiative in social situations
- The Name Storage Technique:
- Create contact entries for regular locations
- Note names and descriptions of people you meet
- Use for future interactions
- Activity-based connections:
- Join classes or groups aligned with interests
- Participate in regular community activities
- Create opportunities for repeated interactions
Maintaining Long-Distance Friendships (1:14:45)
Mel shares strategies for maintaining connections with friends who aren't physically close:
- Daily practices:
- Morning check-in texts or voice memos
- Use drive time for phone calls
- Regular brief connections without expectation
- Guidelines for interaction:
- Don't suggest getting together unless you mean it
- Keep communications light and positive
- Focus on maintaining connection without pressure
Conclusion
Mel emphasizes that the best friendships of your life may still be ahead of you, not behind you. The key is understanding the three pillars of adult friendship, taking a flexible approach, and being willing to "go first" in creating connections. She encourages listeners to share this information with others who may be struggling with friendship, particularly those in their 20s or going through major life transitions.
The episode concludes with a reminder that while making adult friends may feel impossible, it becomes much more manageable when you understand the rules and take an intentional approach to creating and maintaining connections. Success in adult friendship comes from embracing flexibility, taking initiative, and recognizing that friendship patterns naturally evolve throughout different life stages.